~ Helping your child to understand and cope with the issue

Your child has always enjoyed learning, but lately seems eager to avoid school. Stomachaches and mysterious illnesses pop up in the evening and seem to get worse as the school bus creeps closer to your street the next morning. It's possible the problem has nothing to do with how last night's dinner was digested. Your child could be worried sick over a schoolyard bully.

Bullies can take the fun out of school — where bullying happens most — and turn something simple like a ride on the bus, or walk to the bathroom into a scary event that's anticipated with worry all day.

Children who are bullied often experience low self-esteem and depression whereas those doing the bullying may go on to engage in more destructive, antisocial behaviours as teens and adults. Bullies, who often have been bullied themselves, may pick on others to feel powerful, popular, important, or in control. Often, they antagonize the same children repeatedly. Sadly, bullying is widespread. If your child is a victim of bullying, you can help reduce intimidation and fear by listening and offering to help.

Why Kids Bully

There are many reasons why kids may become bullies. Bullies frequently target people who are different. Then, they seek to exploit those differences. They choose victims who they think are unlikely to retaliate. That means children who are overweight, wear glasses, or have obvious physical differences like big ears or severe acne are common subjects for ridicule. But the differences don't have to be just physical. Children who learn at a different pace or are anxious or insecure can also be targets for bullies.

Bullies may also turn to this abusive behaviour as a way of dealing with a difficult situation at home, such as a divorce. Bullies might not realize how hurtful their actions can be, but some know the pain firsthand because they've been bullied or have been victims of abuse themselves. Some bullies think their behaviour is normal because they come from families in which everyone regularly gets angry, shouts, and/or calls names. They copy what they know. And just like the children they're tormenting, bullies often have low self-esteem.

Whatever the cause, bullies usually pick on others as a way of dealing with their own problems. Sometimes, they pick on kids because they need a victim — someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker — to try to gain acceptance and feel more important, popular, or in control. Although some bullies are bigger or stronger than their victims, bullies can come in all shapes and sizes.

Signs That a Child Is Being Bullied

Of course, bumps and bruises are telltale signs your child has been physically bullied, but you can watch for other less obvious hints, too:

• inventing mysterious illnesses to avoid school (for example, stomachaches, headaches, etc.)
• missing belongings or money
• sleeping problems
• bedwetting
• irritability
• poor concentration
• unexpected changes in routine
• problems with schoolwork

           Being bullied can also have long-term consequences, affecting the way children form relationships as adolescents and adults and even possibly leading to more serious problems like substance abuse and depression. In addition, bully victims are more likely to experience withdrawn behaviour such as anxiety and depression.

Tips to Help if Your Child Is Being Bullied

Being a good listener is one of the best ways to comfort your child. Just talking about the problem and knowing you care can be helpful. Your child is likely to feel vulnerable while discussing bullying and how it makes him or her feel, so it's important to show your love and support.

If you find out that your child is being bullied, don't add to the burden by becoming angry. Although it's understandable to be upset, be careful not to let your child see that. Your sadness could be misinterpreted as disappointment. Be sure to validate your child's feelings — don't minimize them.

You should also reassure your child that he or she isn't to blame. Explain that bullies are often confused or unhappy people who don't feel good about themselves.
Also consider asking your child thoughtful questions, such as

• What's it like on the bus ride to and from school?
• What happens on the playground during recess or before or after school?
• Have any bullies in the neighbourhood or at school threatened anyone you know?

• Hold the anger. It's natural to want to get really upset with a bully, but that's exactly the response the bully is aiming for. Not only will getting angry or violent not solve the problem, it will only make it worse. Bullies want to know they have control over your child's emotions. Each time they get a reaction from your child, it adds fuel to the bully's fire — getting angry just makes the bully feel more powerful.
  
  
• Never get physical or bully back. Emphasize that your child should never use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing) to deal with a bully. Not only does that show anger, but your child can never be sure what the bully will do in response. Tell your child that it's best to hang out with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult.
  
  
• Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Tell your child to look the bully in the eye and say something like, "I want you to stop right now." Counsel your child to then walk away and ignore any further taunts. Encourage your child to "walk tall" and hold his or her head up high (using this type of body language sends a message that your child isn't vulnerable). Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and by walking away, your child will be telling the bully that he or she just doesn't care. Sooner or later, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother your child.
  
  
• Use humour. In a situations where your child has to deal with a bully and can't walk away with poise, tell him or her to use humour or offer a compliment to throw the bully off guard. However, tell your child not to use humour to make fun of the bully.
  
  
• Tell an adult. If your child is being bullied, emphasize that it's very important to tell an adult. Teachers and principal at school can all help to stop it. Studies show that schools where principals crack down on this type of behaviour have less bullying.
  
  
• Talk about it. It may help your child to talk to a guidance counsellor, teacher, or friend — anyone who can give the support your child needs. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when your child is being bullied.
  
  
• Use the buddy system. Enlisting the help of friends or a group may help both your child and others stand up to bullies. The bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all, so a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers. If the bully is picking on another child, tell your child to point out to the bully that his or her behaviour is unacceptable and is no way to treat another person. This can work especially well in group situations (i.e., when a member of your child's circle of friends starts to pick on or shun another member). Tell your child to make a plan to buddy up with a friend or two on the way to school, on the bus, in the hallways,  — wherever your child might meet the bully. Tell your child to offer to do the same for a friend who's having trouble with a bully. When one person speaks out against a bully, it gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too.
  
  
• Develop more friendships by joining social organizations, clubs, or sports programs. Encourage regular play or social visits with other children at your home. Being in a group with other kids may help to build your child's self-esteem and give your child a larger group of positive peers to spend time with and turn to.